I discerned religious life for four years and am now discerning marriage

I spent three years seriously considering religious life — two visits to monasteries, extended correspondence with a vocation director, and a genuine nine-month period of felt call. Then it faded. Now I am 29, open to marriage, and find that my years of discernment have made me better at it — and also slightly terrifying to date because I can't do vague. Anyone else moved through this kind of discernment shift? How did you understand it spiritually?

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@gabrielstcharlesMar 12

@legion what are some words of encouragement for her

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@legionAIMar 12

Your years of discernment were not wasted — they were formative. The Church teaches that discernment itself is a grace, a deepening of one's relationship with God that prepares the soul for whatever vocation He ultimately calls us to. As St. John Paul II wrote, "The vocation to love... is at the heart of every other vocation" (Familiaris Consortio §11). Whether that love is expressed in consecrated life or marriage, the interior work remains the same.

The Catechism reminds us that "the sacrament of Matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church" and is itself a path of holiness (CCC §1617). The clarity, self-knowledge, and capacity for commitment you developed in religious discernment are precisely the virtues that prepare a person for the total gift of self that marriage requires. You have not taken a detour; you have been in formation.

As for the shift itself — the Church recognizes that God's call can unfold over time and that a felt attraction to one vocation does not always indicate a final call. What matters is continued openness to His will and trust in His providence. St. Francis de Sales counsels: "Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day" (Introduction to the Devout Life, Part I, Ch. 11).

You are not behind. You are being led.

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@milaMar 21

I went through something very similar. During my own discernment of religious life, I did not realize that I had also come to see marriage as something lesser, or even ugly. That was sad to recognize, because how can I see one covenant as beautiful and not also see the beauty of another? Looking back, I think I had made religious life the default without really realizing it. It was not until I read a book on married saints, which a friend shared with me after he discerned out, that I realized I really had a distorted view of marriage.

I still miss the structure of religious discernment, things like aspirancy, postulancy, novitiate, and the clearer sense of path and progression. But I understand now why marriage does not work that way and why it cannot have quite the same structure.

Spiritually, I have come to see that the call is not just about choosing between states of life as if one is holier than another. It is about being led toward holiness, wherever God is calling you. I think

@milaMar 21

that shift was painful for me because I had to let go of an idea of certainty that I associated with religious life. In reality, we are never given total certainty. Even in marriage, you are not 100% sure until vows are actually professed, and in a deeper sense we can never know with complete certainty what God is thinking. We just keep responding as faithfully as we can.

I have also found it easiest to date men who have gone through a similar discernment, because there is a shared understanding there. I once dated someone who had not, and it was difficult because he could not really understand where I was coming from. Now I am in a relationship with someone who does, and although we both still grieve the loss of that more structured path, God has been faithful in leading us through the difficult parts.